This article was originally published for Swoon on October 23, 2017.
If you’ve never used Tinder, consider yourself lucky.
Anyone who has spent even five minutes on the app can tell you that it’s mostly a waste of time. You either find people who have their life story in their bios, or they have the same quotes from the same television shows that everyone is tired of hearing about.
If you had a dollar for every time you saw these 12 bios on Tinder, you’d have enough money to pay for college, probably.
1. “Favorite Food: Milksteak. Hobbies: Magnets. Likes: Little Green Ghouls. Dislikes: Peoples’ Knees.”
I like “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” as much as the next person, but this is the worst. Nobody likes peoples’ knees! It’s not funny anymore!
2. “Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.”
You probably don’t even know what Battlestar Galactica is. FOH.
3. “Some people call me _____, but you can call me tonight.”
This line is so old it’s not even smooth anymore; just crusty.
4. “Not (insert legal age here), 17.”
Listen, I know it was the bee’s knees to make Facebook profiles when you were 13 and say that you were 21, but this is downright terrible.
5. “Just looking to meet people/make friends.”
Okay, I know I’m a wildcard for looking for a relationship on the app, but friends?! LEAVE.
6. “Anything you wanna know, just ask.”
Okay, I would, except, you never answer my messages.
7. “Looking for my tinderella…”
8. “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’ – Wayne Gretzky – Michael Scott”
I don’t think this has ever been funny. I can’t be the only one.
9. “I don’t message first.”
You probably don’t message back either.
10. “Just got out of a long-term relationship and-“
Okay, we haven’t even met yet. I don’t need your relationship history.
11. “I enjoy long walks on the beach.”
12. “‘One hell of a guy.’ – New York Times. ‘Outstanding gentleman.’ – Washington Post. ‘I wish I could be more like him.’ – Ellen.”
Can’t you just introduce yourself like any normal person?